Cosmic Capitalism

On saturday last I went my first day of the summer wearing just a t-shirt. Like many other innocent victims of radiaton rape, I was sunburnt.

There's something about the British sun that deceives you; we inherently trust it and think we don't need suncream. But our Sol is a fickle one, readers. It warms us with fuzzy golden rays and seduces us into taking off our jumpers and coats and when we are at our weakest it slowly frazzles us. Little do we know that the sun, although seen by many as a reliable source of friendly "solar" energy, is actually our most deadly and insidious enemy. This is why I am launching the Say No To Sun campaign.

For years the Sun has been trying to slowly burn mankind out of existence. He may give us light, but since the brilliance of human ingenuity invented the lightbulb this jealous star has been trying to destroy us! The sun will not stop until every man, woman and child on Earth has been slo-cooked. Liberals may want us to befriend the Sun and "listen to his problems". However, what these whishy-washy fools fail to realise is that the Sun's plotting is simply a result of his being out of touch. I know it is cruel, but the inevitable demise of our Sun is simply a result of market forces. It happens to everyone; Enron, Woolworths and General Motors are all businesses who have failed to keep up with the times. Like Woolworths the Sun attempts to cater for everyone, offering heat, light AND free electricity. Well, great citizens, it is time to put an end to this government-funded debacle and allow the free market to take over! Only by living in a meritocratic society can civilisation ascend to greatness. Democracy is for wimps! And the Sun, ladies and gentlemen, is just a symptom of a greater evil.

An evil that we have encountered before. Our reliable sources, whose anonimity is retained to ensure their safety, have revealed to us that the Sun has socialist tendencies. Although it may shock weaker hearts out there, our mysterious benefactor is actually a Red! We must halt the sinister designs of this shadowy (no pun intended) foe before COMMUNIST SPACE MOTHS descend on us for our delicious electric light. It's a Hot War out there and its about to get hotter. We must become independant of our stellar overlord before he roasts us all! The end is coming and only a grassroots revolution will stop it; the Say No To Sun campaign proposes nothing less than an apocolyptic missile assualt on the Sun's stronghold in the Milky Way with every nuclear warhead on Earth being launched at the fiery heart of our 1,000,000 degrees-Celsius enemy.

But we need your help to make the left-wing cowards in government to listen. They would probably say "let's send a diplomatic envoy" or "maybe if we conserved our resources the Sun would not attack us". However, these are the same people who endorse PC madness and health-and-safety fascism in our schools and places of work, who restrict our freedom to set off fireworks horizontally or leave dogs in hot cars on a summer's day: exactly the sort of people who collaborated with the Nazis! We don't need to think because we have guns! If we have learnt anything from the expenses scandal, it's that the Sun and his allies all have their snouts in the cosmic trough! People of Britain, we have to lead the fight against stars. British light for British people!

If you want to join the war against natural sunlight, donate to the cause now! 10% of your annual income buys 0.1% of a flight-ready space rocket! Go to http://www.notinoursolarsystem.com/ or call 0886-SUN NO MORE. And remember, it's not only reds under the bed you need worry about, because now there's reds overhead!