"I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here" has returned to our screens, giving W-List former models and 70's popstars the chance to find a book deal and giving Ant and Dec the opportunity to annoy us even more. Have you seen those ridiculous Nintendo adverts? They seem to follow the Grange Hill alumni around Britain as they break into middle-class houses and, at gunpoint, ask the homeowners about their love for Supermario or Zelda, like a sick version of Home Alone.
Whenever I've been unfortunate to catch a glimpse of the jungle ventures of people I've never heard of, I have always wished that Predator would turn up and hijack the show, transforming it from an light entertainment programme into an Orwellian rainforest arena of death.
He's out there, biding his time until the really harsh Bushtucker Trials begin - and then - bang! The cameras will short out for a few seconds, and when transmission restarts, all we'll see on our screens will be the skinned carcasses of Ant and Dec, swinging above a swampy pool of shocked alligators. Imagine the end-credits of Apocolypse Now, only with Samantha Fox in the place of Marlon Brando's Kurtz. Basically, the entire premise of the show is what Malcolm Tucker, the swearbox Director of Communications played by Peter Capaldi on satirical comedy The Thick Of It, would call "arse plasma from the hideous mirrorworld of fuck". 'Nuff said.
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