Reality Anasthetic

In the mid-1960’s, when a direct link between cancer and cigarettes was discovered, one of the executives of the tobacco companies was quoted thus: “our product is fear”. What he meant was that they needed to sow disbelief among consumers, that smoking was a harmless pastime for Real Americans, and that they should continue buying their cigarettes. Today, advertising isn’t much different. Ok, so Dettol and Cillit Band aren’t evil like Marlborough or Lucky Stripe, but the root selling point is similar.

Most commercials for household cleaners, for example, have a template that gets repeated ad hominem, with better graphics added over time. They show a scene of domestic bliss; but wait!? Is that dirt? Dirt?! In your home!?!?! How could you let this happen, idyllic housewife? Your children might be in danger! Flee, flee from the dirt! It’s over your surfaces, your carpet, your beautiful bathroom, your baby!

But do not fear – Dettol MultiAction Spray is here! Wipe that dirt from the face of the earth! You’ve seen the CGI-imagined homeworld of the dirt-men, so launch a tactical airstrike with NEW UltraSterile Wash, before the dust eats you and your pure Aryan children alive!

These ads are aimed essentially at doting mothers who are petrified by the idea of bacteria/viruses in the home, despite us having a rather handy all-in-one solution from evolution; the immune system. There’s always a guarantee to kill (not destroy or anything scientific-sounding, just “kill!”. Kill; kill, for the good of the fatherland! Strike the invaders at their infidel hearts!) 99% of nasties – they can’t say for legal reasons that their magical death bleach will exterminate anything it comes into contact with, which is a pity because for the average, smiling suburbanite, only Zyklon-B pellets will truly cleanse their home from flesh-eating viruses and (horrific!) dust mites.

Either that, or your middle-class, “snapshot of society”-type friends will mock you for your uncleanly incompetence. Heaven forbid your friends should smell something that’s not Chanel, or freshly baked bread. It just wouldn't do to look poor. You won’t win Home of the Year in Good Housekeeping magazine with dust around, it could infect you with something. In fact, why not remove all signs of natural life from your abode? Before everyone wakes up in the morning, scorch it with a flamethrower – even norovirus can’t survive 1000C heat!

So yeah. All I mean is that adverts on TV are aimed entirely at OCD types who’ll buy anything that can massacre germs, instead of treating us like liberated, educated adults who don’t need a digital flyby to know what a bacterium looks like, or a cartoon-villain to be vanquished by a brave “toilet duck”. Or maybe I’m wrong – maybe I should try and be more like the courageous, manly toilet duck. Quack!