Why You Should Never, Ever, Vote For Me If I Run For Office

I think I’ve said before that democracy, although it should work, doesn’t. It means “power+people”, literally, yet the problem is that the people are stupid and mean.

But it’s the best alternative, the only alternative we have to a tyranny. Unless… well, unless I was in charge. Don’t get me wrong, I’d do good stuff – reforming the electoral process, greater direct democracy, cleaning up the free market, all of that shit. After I’ve had my fun, anyway.

Give me two years and then I’ll hold an election. Or in fact, give me a Mediterranean island with a population of English-speaking, easily convinced people and I’ll stop pestering you.

I’d style myself as the most stylish dictator the world has ever seen. I’d divert all the military funds into a world-class kidnap service, so I could imprison Valentino or Ralph Lauren to make my suits. I’d rig every room in the nation to play the Star Wars theme tune whenever I walked in, and have a state inspection service to militarily enforce coolness. No squares! Nerds are only good for shooting! I'd also legalise cross-species marriage (vegetable-human couples never hurt anyone), print money on Edam and outlaw Leona Lewis (not just her music, but her very existence).

And I wouldn’t be in the UN or EU (I’d want my own currency – the “Mark”, geddit?) so that when I got bored and flattened obscure, oil-rich countries for popularity purposes, I couldn’t be held accountable.

Put simply, it’d be the best, coolest - and most oppressive tyranny in history. And all of these statements are the reasons that support the worst fact about democracy – namely, anyone can be put in charge. Even crazies like me.