Vaderesque Tolkienfest

Hello, you. Missed me? I didn't think so, you vile worm. Yes, you, David Cameron! Come here and read your epitaph.

OK, so now the DC-hate bit is done, let's talk about something not completeley depressing and hate-filling. Television. My long-suffering friend, how I have neglected your calming glow. Last night I watched 1066: The Battle for Middle Earth. No, although it did have Ian Holm (Bilbo Baggins) narrating, it was not a Tolkienfest. More like if Time Team mated with Robin Hood; it resembled a historically correct version of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It was a pretty biased view really; the Normans were a bit villified and the Scandinavians too got a bad press. And although there was plenty of blood/tomato ketchup, the Dorset accents (apprently every Saxon came from one little home-county village) failed to convince me of the authenticity. Maybe it was the apparent caring nature of the Vikings in between bouts of beserker-rage, or the Darth Vaderesque costume of King Hadrada. Or maybe it was that there seemed to be about a dozen blokes in plastic armor hitting each other with sticks that took away the verismilitude. Maybe we were supposed to use our imagination?

Though Channel 4 wouldn't have that! Heaven forbid the flesh-drones develop sentience! Because, when the subtitle sequence told us that the barbarian who'd killed about a zillion farmers on the bridge was "pierced terribly inwards" it was already pretty obvious somone had chopped his willy off.

I won't link you to the programme because I am lazy and you are intelligent enough to do it yourself. Then again, some of you aren't clever enough to realize that Lord Numbnuts himself, Nick Griffiths, is just a lobster-faced racist. Seriously guys, its not funny. Drawing amusing cartoons on the ballot paper of David Cameron in compromising positions with a cow is funny; voting for a bunch of people who should be debagged and radished isn't. I reckon that if Nick has the political acumen he thinks he does, he'd jump off a tall, suitably British looking building, say, the Tower of London. I'm not very good at this, but Charlie Brooker is.

Finally, a new David Chandlerism: "I want a luxury tent. It'd have central heating and plumbing..." Goodbye.