Nelson's Glory

Do you remember being taught history in primary school? Well, it wasn’t “history” in the proper sense of looking back in time from a critical perspective. We just learnt about hot the Romans built bridges and why the Titanic sank and that sort of thing. But it undeniably imbues every British citizen with a sense of pride not unequal to the whole swearing-by-the-flag thing they have in wingnut America. Not least because Britain/England happened to win a hell of a lot of battles – throughout history we were either being heroically massacred to the last by foreign invaders or leading the charge against Napoleon's last stand at Waterloo.

But remember, we were led by some absolute headcases in the past. I mean, well done with Agincourt and all that, but it doesn’t hide the fact Henry V believed he was related to God. Nelson was a battlethirsty psychopath, who despite being hailed as a “military genius” decided, in the most crucial point in his career to ignore all naval tactics and sail his ship in between two other ones, on the grounds that “they won’t be expecting that!” Yeah, they didn’t expect it, but it didn’t stop them thumping broadsides into Victory. I mean, the British army only intergrated the idea of a "Forlorn Hope" - the first guys into the breach in the wall during a seige - once the other armies started doing it. These guys would charge through the gap efffectivly armed with just their bayonets to certain oblivion, on the premise that if they survived, they'd definately be promoted. Because it wouldn't be proper to be outdone in the Darwin Awards, of course.

Boudicca was essentially a crazy barbarian lady with a taste for blood, woad and hemlock; Robin Hood a sharpshooting, forest-dwelling (yeah, because living in the woods with a load of other blokes is normal…) kleptomaniac. Wellington, so ridiculously harsh that he got the nickname “the Iron Duke”, was confused by the idea of democracy when he became prime minister – on cabinet, he said “they did the most preposterous thing ever! They got their orders, but they wanted to discuss them!?” Maybe he thought that Parliament all just agreed simultaneously that him being the leader of the Empire was a “jolly good idea”.

When Henry VIII didn’t get his way, he formed his own religion – nowadays there’s an equivalent to his legacy, in Ron Hubbard’s Church of Scientology. And Elizabeth, ignored all sensible advice and sent her fleet to certain death for pride. She was just lucky they won. It’s no small wonder that when the BNP call middle england to arms, claiming they’re continuing Churchill’s legacy that it goes down a treat, because from the age of six onwards we’re basically brainwashed to admire these over-aggressive morons.