Why Alan Sugar Isn't Sweet

So, who screwed up our decade the most? Is it Blair, Bush, or Ben Elton? No - I don't really hate We Will Rock You that much, however smug it may be, with its horrid "ooh aren't we anti-mainstream" schtick, which is self-defeating, because the whole show is like a bad subversive fancy dress party where everyone's dressed up as an emo thinking they're really clever and making a profound metaphorical social comment through the medium of clothing.

No. I think it's Alan Sugar. The ultimate icon for all men. Straight-talking; he rose up from humble beginnings, made a fortune and starred in the only reality telly show it was ok for guys to watch. Conservative at heart and New Labour for the mercanary moment, with a sexist streak. Witness White Van Man reborn. And for all his ridiculous glory, wallowing in unseen political irony as Business Tsar, he seems beyond reproach. All he amounts to is a second-rate Bill Gates, except with added "dickhead". An estuary-english accent (that's fake cockney), sharp suits and Bentleys ('cos he's patriotic), the average bloke fell in love for the first time since he bought his first car. And how could they fail to; the target audience of The Apprentice was the type of geezah who was haggling at Floors-2-Go when the anti-war marches kicked off, who married primarily so he didn't have to wash the dishes himself, who reckons Richard Littlejohn's a guy with common sense, and who doesen't trust boys who wear skinny jeans because they might infect him with gay.

Sugar is everything that is purile and faux-decadent about Britain. London seems to have had a strange PR makeover as a colder Los Angeles, whilst bank executives play roulette with millions; Sugar is the champion of this leopard-print LDN. He paved the way for Piers Morgan, for Billy Conolly's documentaries, for Al Murray's once-satircal Pub Landlord being taken seriously, for Jim Broadbent being in every Britfilm ever, and for Andrew Sachs being forcefully deified as a National Treasure. Anything he ever did as a businessman was purely for money, and he's no different to Murdoch or Trump or Ambrovovich, those celebrated monopolists - except he's scummier and less solid. And the modern British man, having thrown away his metrosexuality in exchange for Nuts magazine and Jason Stratham movies, adores him. Because he's one of them; a cheap pub intellectual. Delboy, only richer. A man who'll always back the winnner - a guy without a cause or principles or courage and without any talent except one that lets him make millions from idiots only a few IQ points stupider than him. Thankfully (I think, anyway), David Cameron is too machavellian to put him - as so many lager savants would espouse - in the cabinet. Then again, stranger things have happened...

Oh, and two last gripes. I find Michael Mcintyre less funny as he gets more popular, and Timothy Spall got ruined by ITV - he ain't meant to be an action hero. There it is, I'm done.